She Needs to Be Seen, Not Fixed: Using UX Active Listening to Comfort Someone.

My phone is buzzing. It is my mom.

“Hello, mom.” I picked up and answered the phone.

“Ahya, you know your dad is doing… again.” Mom started to complain about Dad. Again.

After listening to her, I started to find some solutions for her.

I said: “Probably you can try to do it this way….”

” I don’t want to talk to you.” She slapped the phone down.

“Hello?”I was confused.

“Come on,” I thought to myself, “you turned to me, why are you putting down my phone while I am trying to help you? Analyzing the situation is the first step for giving you some reasonable suggestions!”

But later, when I went to visit my auntie, I shared some of my concerns and confusion at school with her. All that she did, was just express her empathy to me, and validate my feelings at the same time. After I was good with my feelings, I solved the problems myself, or even, those problems were not even problems at all for me. I felt so good, so good that my feelings were validated, so good that I was seen, so good that she did the reverse thing I did to my mom. Wait! The exact reverse thing I did to my mom? Which means, actually my mom didn’t need the solutions AT ALL. She just needed to be seen, just as I did. I suddenly realized that all the time, what she needed wasn't solutions but listening.

Active Listening in the UX Design Context

“Good designers are good listeners. They start by understanding, not solving.”

Sometimes it is confusing if a person is seeking emotional support or advice on solving problems since the phenomenon will be both like talking about things bothering them. Therefore, distinguishing the differences between providing emotional support and advice is hard, yet important, through active listening.

This reminds me of stakeholder interviews I have done for a UX project.

Recently I have been working with MoMA, a museum in NYC, on a project, and our team needed to help them figure out some suitable platforms to redesign their learning content about modern art on Coursera. During the stakeholder interviews, instead of just asking, “What are the features that you like and dislike about Coursera as a learning platform” and just throwing the possible platforms as solutions to them, we utilized active listening by asking: “What do they notice about the user”, “What are the users’ needs for learning the contents”,” What are their experiences when using the platform as a learning tool, and finally gaining insights from their stories”?

We, as human beings, always have the tendency to just throw out solutions to our customers merely based on our assumptions about the problems but forget to truly actively listen, and active listening is one of the most important skills we should adopt as a UX researcher during an interview.

“Good designers are good listeners. They start by understanding, not solving.” — Adrian Zombrunnen (2017)

Implementing Active Listening in UX Interviews

Active listening challenges the notion that "listening is passive". It guides the listener to adopt a curious and unjudgemental position that builds shared understanding.

From my past experiences, I think some crucial elements make active listening. Be truly curious about what others are talking about. Here are the principles that are applied in the UX interview scenarios.

6 Steps for implementing active listening in UX interview

❓Draft questions

Draft some questions that are related to the interview topics for reference. This will get you prepared and have a framework on what questions to ask, instead of being too awkward.

🧐 Focus your attention

I know everyone has their own worries in life. Also, we have so many distractions- social media, smartphones, or just a fast-paced life. But learn to be in the present and dedicate your full attention to listening and understanding what others are trying to say and deliver. Try to connect with their feelings.

You can get some preparation not only from drafting the topic-related questions but also from trying to look up the person’s background and then find one or two things that you are interested in to ask about them.

❤️ Show empathy

For example, if a person is talking about his/her most challenging moments in his/her life, how do we show the empathetic? One, say you are really brave that you did xxx, and I resonate so well with you because I was also xxx. Share some of your own experiences that make your resonations more grounded and trustworthy. Also at the same time, you find out the common things with another person. Let them know more about you.

♻️ Ask follow-up questions

This not only shows you did listen to the person what he/she was talking about but also shows that you are thinking about and processing that. You are at present! You are at the conversation. Also, sometimes the interviewees might already answered some other questions you drafted when you are asking for only one question. In the meantime, they might disclose more information that is very useful but you didn’t expect. Now, it is the time to ask other related questions or you have other follow-up questions. For example, ask questions like “Why do you feel that way?”

💭 Paraphrase

Paraphrase is very important in showing people that you are actually listening and trying to understand. Also, most importantly, you are checking with the interviewee if your understanding is right. Because in a message delivery process, the listener will try to decode the speaker’s message, and because everyone’s personality, background, and ways of thinking are very different, there might be some misunderstanding, according to the Communication Process Model(Shannon & Weaver, 1949). So to avoid it, to paraphrase. Another thing about paraphrasing is to make the speaker feel that they are seen by you.

✅ Summarize briefly

Last but not least, summarize briefly before you close the interview. Some highlights or insights are worthy of being brought up at the very end and if there are next steps, it is also a good way to remind the interviewees.

Active Listening in Personal Conversations vs. Interviews

However, it’s important to remember that personal conversations are inherently different from interviews. In a personal conversation, the goal is often to be present and supportive without any particular agenda; you’re there to listen, validate, and allow the other person to express themselves freely. This open, agenda-free approach enables emotional connection and support, especially when someone is seeking empathy rather than solutions.

In contrast, interviews—especially in UX—require a balance between attentive listening and achieving specific goals. Even if those goals are exploratory, such as understanding user needs or pain points, they still provide structure to the interaction. In interviews, the purpose of active listening is to gain insights that inform design decisions. This means you’re not only listening to support the speaker but also to collect information that will be used later. The interview process is, therefore, a blend of empathy and strategic inquiry.

By distinguishing between these contexts, you can be more intentional about how you engage in each type of conversation. In personal relationships, aim to connect and validate without steering the conversation. In UX interviews, guide your listening towards understanding user experiences and extracting valuable insights for the project.

***

As I was writing this, my phone rang again. It is mom. I picked up the phone, mom was complaining about Dad, again, expectedly. But I changed my strategies- I focused my attention on what she said, and showed empathy by saying: oh that is awful! And started to ask her: why do you feel this way? To also help her understand her feelings better. So now I am pretty sure that you know how to implement active listening in your daily life, especially when your mom calls.

References：

“Active Listening.” UX Tweak, www.uxtweak.com/ux-glossary/active-listening. Accessed 4 Nov. 2024.

Lin, Jesse. “The Art of Active Listening.” UX Collective, Medium, 23 Mar. 2020, uxdesign.cc/the-art-of-active-listening-b5df58e53ab1. Accessed 4 Nov. 2024.

Mihăescu, Andrei. “Emotional Support vs. Advice in Couples: Why Just Being There Helps.” ZME Science, 14 Feb. 2023, www.zmescience.com/science/psychology-science/emotional-support-couples-05433/. Accessed 4 Nov. 2024.

Stauffer, Adam. “Support vs. Advice (and Holding off Solutions).” LessWrong, www.lesswrong.com/posts/CARMmQRGCBKDbeNh9/support-vs-advice-and-holding-off-solutions. Accessed 4 Nov. 2024.

Schramm, Wilbur, editor. The Process and Effects of Mass Communication. University of Illinois Press, 1954.